Understanding Children and Anxiety: What They Need Most is Us

Anxiety is a word we hear more and more in connection with children. It's no longer unusual to see school-age children experiencing panic, sleep struggles, worry, or even physical symptoms like stomach aches, skin conditions and muscle tension—signs of something deeper happening beneath the surface.

But here’s the truth: anxiety isn’t always loud. In young children, it can look like clinginess, irritability, withdrawal, or even perfectionism. Sometimes it’s mistaken for "bad behavior." Other times, it hides in silence. But anxiety is never just a problem to fix, it’s a signal. A child’s nervous system is saying: “I don’t feel safe enough.”

From a developmental perspective, anxiety is not a flaw, it’s a function. It’s the brain doing what it was designed to do: protect us. In children, whose brains and bodies are still maturing, the fight-or-flight system can be triggered easily, especially when routines are unpredictable, relationships are strained, or expectations feel too big.

Children rely on co-regulation, the calming presence of a safe adult—to manage big feelings. They cannot yet self-regulate without support, especially in moments of fear, separation, or overwhelm.

Anxiety can present in many ways, including:

If you notice these patterns, it’s not a sign your child is “too sensitive.” It’s a sign they are sensitive to their environment, and need more support, not pressure.

In our fast-paced, achievement-oriented culture, children are often expected to do more, earlier: to sit still before they’re ready, perform academically by age five, or navigate busy schedules with minimal rest. Add to that social media, overstimulation, and post-pandemic shifts, and we see more dysregulated nervous systems than ever before.

Anxiety can be triggered or worsened by:

The most powerful antidote to anxiety in children is connection. Before breathing techniques, cognitive strategies, or therapy, children need to know: “I am not alone. My big feelings are safe here. Someone understands me.”

Here are ways to help:

1. Slow down. Children need time to process. Rushing transitions, over-scheduling, or filling every silence with activity can escalate anxiety. Offer quiet, unhurried routines.

2. Stay close. Your calm presence regulates theirs. When a child is anxious, they don’t need answers, they need you. Sit with them, breathe together, offer a grounding touch or a soothing tone.

3. Allow children to discover for themselves and also make mistakes, in all areas of their lives without rushing to correct or fix them. As Emmi Pikler says, “It is essential that the child discovers as many things as possible for themselves. If we help them to solve all tasks, we deprive them of the very thing that is most important for their intellectual development.” From the very start of their lives we can help children to develop an inner resilience and trust by not pushing them to the next stage of their physical development but allow them space to unfold freely.

4. Hold boundaries gently. Anxiety can make children avoidant. Instead of pushing, offer choice within structure. Say, “I’ll stay with you while you brush your teeth,” or “Let’s try together and stop if it’s too much.”

5. Make room for expression. Let children talk about their fears without rushing to fix them. You might say, “That sounds really hard,” or “I’m so glad you told me.” Validation is more calming than solutions.

6. Create rhythm and predictability. A consistent daily rhythm builds safety. Children feel calmer when they know what to expect, especially around sleep, meals, school, and separation.

7. Get Curious about challenging behaviours. As Mona Delahooke explains, “Behaviors are like the tip of an iceberg. What’s going on underneath the waterline, which is invisible, is all those things that we aren’t really taught about that create the behaviors”. Try to tap in to what might be creating that behaviour - do you think the child feels safe? 

8. Create nurturing environments. Spaces which are not over cluttered with play items and displays on the walls and are not too noisy (Charlotte Davies talks about sound being an essential developmental input and when input is disrupted by unmanaged noise environments children’s learning and behaviour is affected) make a huge impact on children’s sense of well being.

9. Allow children to explore their social and emotional boundaries freely through play. Unstructured play gives children the building blocks to work out their place in the world, especially in riskier outdoor environments children get to learn how to assess risk and build resilience. 

10. Find appropriate boundaries on social media and smartphones and stick to them from an early age. Jonathan Haidt, in his book “The Anxious Generation” states as his main argument that “We have over-protected our children in the real world and under-protected them online.” Fostering healthy habits and attitudes towards online presence from an early age can help our children to navigate the emotional mine field which is social media.

While anxiety is common and often manageable with connection and routine, some children benefit from additional support. If anxiety interferes with daily life, sleep, eating, relationships, or school, it may be time to speak with a GP, mental health professional, or child therapist.

You are not alone, and neither is your child.

We cannot erase all of life’s uncertainties for our children, but we can offer the steady presence they need to face them. A child doesn’t need to be fearless. They need to feel safe being afraid, and trust that the adults in their life will walk with them through it.

As Emmi Pikler reminded us: “A child who experiences deep trust becomes truly independent.” And perhaps, a child who feels held in their anxiety can grow into an adult who knows how to hold themselves with compassion, too.